I Don't Think I Can
by speakingsilently
Summary: Stevie has a hard time coping with the series of events from 5.01. A different take on what could have been after the blast at the White House. Trigger: Suicide
1. Chapter 1

"Bess, see if we can get Minister Chen on board before we reach out to the Russians," President Dalton addressed Elizabeth. After a long discussion between Conrad, Russell, and herself, Elizabeth nodded and rose from one of the two blue couches in the middle of the prestigious Oval Office, turning to head toward the door. Russell Jackson followed, never taking his eyes off his phone, undoubtedly answering one of the hundreds of texts and emails that he received daily.

"How's Stevie feeling?" Russell mumbled before Elizabeth rounded the corner. She turned to look at him, confusion evident on her face. Crossing her arms over her chest and narrowing her eyes at Russell, Elizabeth stepped toward him.

"Why don't you tell me, Russell? You've had her stay so late and coming in so early, I haven't seen my daughter in 3 days. You talk to her way more than I do now." Prepared for an argument, Elizabeth was taken back by the incredulous look Russell was serving. She raised her eyebrows as a request for Russell to let her in on what he was thinking.

"What the hell are you talking about? Stevie called saying she was sick on Monday. I haven't heard from her since." Russell looked at his phone, "It's what, Wednesday now?"

Elizabeth felt a wave of nausea roll over her, followed by a sting of anger that her oldest daughter had once again decided to be rebellious and defiant. With a sigh and a roll of her eyes, Elizabeth took off at a quick pace to get to her motorcade and back to her office at the State Department.

"Tell her if she values her job at all, she'll be here tomorrow!" Russell called after her.

"Blake, my phone please?" Blake jumped up from the chair he'd been sitting in waiting for the secretary's meeting to end and pulled Elizabeth's cell phone from his jacket pocket while jogging to catch up with his speed walking boss.

"Here you go, ma'am. Everything okay?" He'd known her long enough to be able to decipher the many looks she wore. This one was a mixture of a few, which alerted him to something being off. Without answering, Elizabeth took the phone from her assistant and dialed Stevie's number. When it went to voicemail, she ended the call and climbed into the black SUV waiting for her.

"Turns out, Stevie hasn't been working a ton of overtime like I thought. She's not even working at all. Russell said he hasn't seen her in a few days." Elizabeth threw up her hands as Stevie's outgoing message played in her ear again. "And now she won't answer my calls." Blake twisted his face into a look that said _yikes_ while pretending to thumb through the calendar book he was holding.

"Henry? Hey, have you heard from Stevie lately?" Elizabeth gave up on calling her daughter and had gotten through to her husband.

"Hey baby. No, I haven't talked to her probably since Sunday. Haven't you seen her around the White House?"

Elizabeth took off her glasses and rubbed her forehead. "I just got out of a meeting with the President. Russell said she called in sick on Monday and he hasn't heard from her since. I tried calling her and she won't answer. You're the 'Stevie Whisperer.' Can you please try calling her? I'm getting a little worried, Henry."

"Wow. Yeah, sure babe. I'll call her right now. I'll let you know what happens." Elizabeth put her phone in her lap and looked over at Blake.

"Blake, has Stevie tried calling the office or anything? Any messages or any word at all?" Her assistant looked at her and shook his head. "No, ma'am." Blake answered apologetically. He knew that Stevie liked to push boundaries and buttons, and the toll that her escapades have taken on Elizabeth over the years. Blake had always admired the way Elizabeth could juggle all the trials of the world with being a wonderful mother without missing a beat. He knew he was obligated to "serve at the pleasure", but he genuinely felt honored to work for her. Before he could offer some words of encouragement, Elizabeth's phone rang.

"She's not answering my calls either." Elizabeth sighed heavily at Henry's news.

"Henry, I know she's an adult, and it's time to start treating her like one. But, after that RPG attack that almost killed her, and did kill June, she just hasn't been the same. Not that I expected her to be perfectly fine, but."

"But she at least usually puts up the facade of being okay." Henry finished his wife's sentence. "I tried to talk to her about it the other night, but she said she was tired and needed to lie down. Maybe I should have kept pushing."

"Henry, we don't need to go there right now. For all we know, she could be off on another one of her little rendezvous with Harrison. You know how she likes to just make us crazy."

"Maybe you're right. But I still don't like the fact that she won't answer our calls."

"I know. I'll keep trying her. Love you." Elizabeth ended the call as she stepped into the elevator at the State Department. As always, there was a welcoming chorus of "Good morning" from the rest of her staff as the elevator doors opened. Jay, Daisy, and Kat were all standing in the entryway anticipating Elizabeth's return from her meeting at the White House.

"Good morning, guys. Listen, I know we've all got a lot of work to do, but I just need a couple of minutes in my office and then we can get started. Okay?" They all nodded their heads, but looked to Blake for some clarity as to why the Secretary was hurrying off to her office without first addressing them as was the norm. He shook his head, hoping they wouldn't push the issue any further. Although it would become common knowledge soon enough, given the fact that nothing seemed to get past the media these days, Blake still felt like it was his duty to shield the Secretary from their avalanche of questions as often as possible. He breathed a sigh of relief as they all departed to their own offices to await word that they could begin their usual morning proceedings.

Elizabeth shut her office door behind her and made her way across the cream colored carpet, shedding her coat and tossing it, along with her bag, onto the couch. She settled into her oversized desk chair, ran her fingers through her short blonde locks, and stared at her phone. Something wasn't right. As much as she'd like to just brush off her motherly instinct and chalk it up to Stevie just "being Stevie", her heart just wouldn't let it go. After going through the attack at the White House, Elizabeth knew Stevie was going to have a hard time processing it. She knew how she felt after coming back from Iran, and a shiver ran through her body at the thought that her daughter could be having the same nightmares, flashbacks, and panic that she'd gone through. Guilt coursed through her veins every time she remembered the fact she wasn't there. She'd been running just a few minutes late and that had been the difference between possibly being able to shield her daughter from the blast, or taking her place in the hospital bed instead.

Snapping out of the web she was spinning in her mind, Elizabeth hastily grabbed the phone on her desk and hit the speed dial button with Stevie's number saved to it. It rang three times, and just as she was about to hang up, the ringing stopped.

"Hello?" Elizabeth melted into her chair when she heard Stevie's voice. _At least she's alive._

"Stevie? Baby, where are you?" She tried to keep her voice calm and leveled, although she felt like she'd been jolted by electricity with all the emotions running through her head. Elizabeth was so relieved to hear her daughter's voice, but was angry, concerned, confused, curious why her daughter had been lying to everyone. When Stevie didn't answer, Elizabeth tried again.

"Stevie? Are you okay?" There was a short pause on the other end of the phone, and Elizabeth suddenly realized she was holding her breath waiting for her daughter to respond.

"I don't think I can do this anymore." Stevie mumbled in a quiet, hollow voice that Elizabeth had never heard before. Her heart ached and a wave of panic crashed hard over her. Something definitely wasn't right. Her normally strong-willed and animated daughter sounded like she had no life in her words.

"What do you mean, sweetheart? Is it the job? I know Russell is probably the worst boss on earth," Elizabeth laughed jokingly, trying to lighten the mood. But she was met with silence. Her brow creased, and she felt her hands begin trembling ever so slightly. She cleared her throat and straightened up in her chair. Her stomach had begun to turn, as realization started to settle in. Although she'd never heard that emptiness in Stevie's voice before, she'd heard it somewhere. It had been in her own voice, shortly after Iran.

"Stevie, what do you think you can't do anymore?" Elizabeth closed her eyes, pushing the phone hard against her ear as if it would allow her to be closer to her daughter.

"Just…live." The phone fell from Elizabeth's shaking hand.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: So, I know this story is very old. And I'm sorry for leaving those of you who are interested in it hanging. I used to write all the time, but kind of lost the joy in it. I wrote chapter 1 to see if it was something I could still enjoy, and I loved writing it! Life happened again, and I couldn't make myself sit down and write. But, I'm back. Seeing all the amazing stories written here in the time I've been gone has inspired me to try it again. I'm not the best, never will be. And I'm not even sure it's legible. But I've been able to find the joy in seeing thoughts spill out on paper again and I want to hang onto it for as long as I can. Thanks for those who read Chapter 1. Here's Chapter 2.

Elizabeth sat frozen still in her seat, staring down at the phone on the floor as if it were a rabid animal she was trying not to spook. After a couple seconds, she snatched the receiver up quickly and again held it to her ear.

"Stevie, honey, I need to know where you are." Trying to remain calm was become rapidly more difficult for Elizabeth, but she knew a hysterical mess was the last thing Stevie needed to hear. While waiting for a response, she hastily began typing a message to Blake on her computer. As if she willed it into existence with her thoughts, he came through her door before she could hit send on her request.

"Madam…" Before he could even begin his sentence, Elizabeth threw her hand up in front of her signaling him to stop. She hit mute on the phone so Stevie couldn't hear her.

"Blake, I need Ephraim Ware on the phone right now. I don't care what he's doing or where he is, this is an emergency."

"Ma'am?" The look of concern on Blake's face made Elizabeth's gut twist. She knew he could read her like a book, so of course he had probably gathered this was of a more personal nature rather than State business. But she didn't have time to explain.

"Just do it. Please." Blake spun on his heel and jogged out of her office to place the call to the director of the FBI like his boss had requested.

Elizabeth turned her attention back to the phone and pressed the button to take herself off mute.

"Stevie?" Hearing nothing but her daugther's breathing on the line was eerie, however gave Elizabeth a small amount of satisfaction knowing she was at least still on the phone with her. "Do you remember the first time we took you to the zoo?" A smile spread across Elizabeth's face as she began to recall those ridiculous memories. "You were so excited to see the giraffes. They were your favorite. Or so you thought."

"I remember." Hearing her daughter's voice again made Elizabeth's eyes well up and her lip began to quiver ever so slightly. She stood up and looked out the window, trying to reel herself back in. Her gaze fell upon a woman and a small child holding hands while walking on the sidewalk below. The girl looked to be around 5 years old, with light brown hair cut into a short bob that framed her slender face perfectly. She looked so much like a young Stephanie around that age. Everything was much simpler back then. Stevie thought the world of her mother, never missing an opportunity to hold her hand as they walked side by side, or cuddling up in her lap on the couch while watching tv, or listening with a twinkle in her eyes as Elizabeth read her bed time stories, complete with different voices for each character. She had always been there for her daughter, for all her children when they were younger. Now that they were older, the bond was still strong, but decidedly different than it had been. Her job made it difficult to be as present with the kids as she used to be, and Elizabeth was beginning to wonder if she had been neglecting her children. Stevie was the oldest, and an independent adult, but she was still her baby. Had she missed the signs? Could she have been more supportive? Was this a result of her not being available because she was too busy with her job instead of being the mother she promised her kids she would continue to be even with being the Secretary of State?

Blake came rushing through the door before Elizabeth could fall deeper into despair. He waited silently until she hit the mute button on the phone.

"Ma'am, I have Ephraim Ware on the phone. I told him you were currently on a call and he confirmed he is available in his office for a SVTC call if needed."

"Perfect. I'll take the video call in here. Thanks Blake."

"Of course. Can I get you anything else?" He looked at her with an understanding that what she needed he probably couldn't provide, but wanted her to know he was willing to support her in any way possible.

"No, that'll be it." She put her finger back on the mute button as a way of asking Blake to leave. Once he exited the room, she resumed the call.

"I remember it too, baby. We walked past all the other exhibits because you wanted to go straight to the giraffes. You didn't even bat an eye when the lions roared at you. Little Stephanie was on a mission." Elizabeth chuckled. "We finally got there and you were so mesmerized by them. You even held up your little stuffed 'Giraffy' and told him to look at his cousins. Then they started walking closer."

"They looked a lot smaller when they were further away." Stevie responded and Elizabeth knew she could hear a smile in it.

"We bought a cup of food for you to give them, so you got pretty popular. As soon as one of them got close enough to get some food, you lost it! You threw the cup, you threw the stuffed animal, you even tried to take your shoe off to throw it. I don't think you ever topped that meltdown kiddo." A small laugh on the other end of the phone made Elizabeth beam.

A notification on her computer alerted her to the waiting SVTC call from Director Ware.

"Baby, can you hang on just a second? I have a call." With Stevie saying she would hold, Elizabeth again hit the mute button and settled down in her chair facing the screen of her computer.

"Madam Secretary, is everything okay?" Ephraim Ware could tell by the tear-filled eyes of the normally put-together Secretary that this call was anything but ordinary.

"Ephraim, I don't have much time to explain anything, but I need you to trace a call for me. I need to know where it's coming from immediately." Although her appearance had alerted Director Ware, the Secretary's actions were much more in tune with how she handled herself diplomatically.

"On what grounds?"

"I'm on the phone now with my daughter. I think…" Elizabeth choked on her own words, begging herself internally to keep her composure at the risk of her child getting hurt. "I think she's struggling more with the bombing than any of us thought. I think she might be suicidal, Ephraim. I need to know where she's calling me from. I need to get to her. Please." Ephraim could see the heartbreak in Elizabeth's eyes, and knew, having children of his own, this feeling of helplessness as a parent is one of the worst to have. He called his assistant in the room and began spouting off orders and directives.

"Madam Secretary, just keep the line open and the conversation going as long as you can. We're working on tracing it right now. As soon as we come up with a location, you'll be the first to know."

Elizabeth's tense body somewhat relaxed as she let out a deep sigh. Thanking Ephraim, she directed her attention back to her phone call, feeling hopeful that the FBI would help her save her daughter.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Thanks so much for the kind reviews!

"Hey Stevie. I'm sorry about that. I'm here." After a beat of silence, Elizabeth pressed on with a soft, worried tone. "Baby? Are you still there?"

"I'm here." With a silent sigh of relief, Elizabeth closed her eyes and pictured her daughter alone somewhere. Hurting. Hopeless. Scared. It was all she could do to keep tears from spilling over.

"Look. I know you're scared of everything you're feeling right now. I felt like that right after my parents died. All I wanted to do was lay in my bed under the covers and sleep so I wouldn't have to face the reality of going on in a world I no longer felt like I belonged in. Everything around me felt dark and lifeless. There was no joy in anything." She slumped over in her chair, feeling the weight of her own experience wash over her. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Elizabeth was trying to keep her daughter talking. Stevie talking meant that she knew her first-born was safe and it gave the FBI a higher chance of finding out where she was. Elizabeth cradled the phone between her head and shoulder and began typing a message summoning Blake to her office.

"I don't know, mom." Stevie responded with a more defeated tone than before, which only made Elizabeth's worry deepen. Before she could respond, Blake rushed through her office door quietly so as not to disturb the phone call. He raised his eyebrows to the Secretary as a way of asking what she needed from him. Hitting the mute button once again with a shaky hand, Elizabeth took a steadying breath.

"Have you heard anything from Ephraim yet on the call trace?" The words came out quickly as she wanted desperately to get back to Stevie.

"No ma'am. I'll call his office immediately." He turned and hustled back out of the office, closing the door behind him before Elizabeth could utter a word of thanks. She turned her attention back to the phone attached to her ear.

"Stevie, I want you to know that I'm not mad or disappointed in you for how you're feeling. You've been through a lot, kid. Who else can say they've survived two bombings before they turn 25?" Elizabeth scoffed, trying to make light of the situation, but felt a stab through her heart at the realization that her daughter had been through so much in her short time on earth. Two bombings in the span of 3 years that could have claimed her daughter's life, and both Stevie would have never been a part of if she wasn't the daughter of the Secretary of State. It was the conference she'd hosted where the dirty bomb went off in Virginia that her family narrowly escaped, especially Henry. Stevie would have never even met Russell Jackson and therefore wouldn't have become his intern and would have been nowhere near the White House when the RPG was launched at the Oval Office. "Baby. Please talk to me. I love you and I want to help you. It's okay to not be okay. But please let me in." Her voice cracked as she pleaded with her daughter. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, mom. I just…I don't know what to say. I shouldn't be here. I was in front of June. It should've been me, not her. Someone that was admired and revered by so many, someone who achieved so much and was so powerful just lost in the blink of an eye. And I treated her like crap, mom. And she's dead and I'm alive and I don't deserve to be. Why couldn't it have been me? I… I wish it was me." Her voice trembled while her emotions spilled out into the phone. A single tear rolled down Elizabeth's cheek as she listened to her daughter admit how she wished she'd been killed in the attack instead of June.

Blake came running into her office then with an air of excitement, but quickly toned it down once he took in the appearance of the Secretary. She swiftly muted the phone and looked to him for his news. "Madam Secretary, the trace paid off. We have the location. She's at the Potomac Lodge." Elizabeth grabbed Blake's hand in her own as a way of saying thank you, but also to keep herself grounded. Of course she was relieved that they knew where to find her, but she was so scared for her daughter.

"Stevie, baby, I'm going to come to you, okay? I'm going to come and hold you and we can talk and cry and figure it all out. Don't worry about anything. It's all going to be okay." She waited for a response with baited breath, but one hadn't come yet. "Stevie?" Elizabeth looked at the phone to make sure the call was still connected and was about to call out for her daughter again when she heard a loud bang followed by some rustling and then silence. She jumped, scared by the loud sound, then began to scream into the phone. "No! Stevie?! Baby, please! Talk to me! No, no, no, no." Blake ran out the door of the office to get her motorcade ready, although running was a challenge as his legs felt like jello. Hearing the Secretary's screams was unlike anything he'd ever heard before, so he knew whatever happened on the phone wasn't good. Before he could return to his boss's office, Elizabeth came running out the door with her coat on, her tear-stained face looking at him with a look of vulnerability that scared Blake.

"Blake, get my motorcade. Tell them where to go. Get my phone and call the room she's in. I…I think she…I need to get to her now."


End file.
